J okes for November, 2001
. Forwared by Paul Chaullis and Cheryl Bates







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Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar 
One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. 
So he gave her one.

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar
"Pint of best" he says to the bar man.
While waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van
Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says 
"Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies.
"Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of GREEN tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road." The barman says "I'll serve you, but
your mate's barred - he's a bleedin' cycle-path!"




THESE ARE EVEN WORSE

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up
to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a 
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and 
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor 
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides 
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.




Getting worse...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing 
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I 
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would 
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.




A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
<



Subject: Always read the instructions!

On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) 

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special) 

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?) 

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion) 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!) 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .) 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?) 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.) 

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.) 

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?) 

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.) 

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.) 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.) 

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) 

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
 



Speaking Clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large 
gong
taking the place of honour in the living room.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's 
my
Speaking Clock" the man replied.   "How does it work?"   "I'll show you",
the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded
hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck's
sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!!"


 




last updated November 9, 2001