I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Warning! At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me." Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

Idiots in the Neighborhood: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots In Food Services: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
 the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Do Math: A coworker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My coworker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

A cop sees a guy driving down the street with three penguins in the back seat of his car. The cop stops him, and the guy explains that he found the penguins just standing by the side of the road. The cops says, "I think you'd better take those penguins to the zoo." The guy agrees and drives off. Next day, the cop sees the same guy drive by with the same three penguins in his back seat, only this time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. The cop stops him again and says, "Hey, buddy, I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The guy says, "I did Today we're going to the beach."

Author: William James <james@net2.eos.uoguelph.ca at Internet_Gateway
Date: 4/1/98 4:32 PM
 

British Professor Heinz Wolf's claim on BBC World Service that he had invented a "kissing telephone" was just one of many outlandish "stories" put about as true to mark April Fool's Day.

Everything from a simple peck on the cheek to a passionate French kiss can now be experienced through a lip-like attachment, he said. "You put the thing into which you kiss over the mouthpiece of the telephone and inside it are sensors for pressure and suction, moisture and temperature," he explained. But one of Britain's most respected newspapers, the Financial Times, was truly taken for a ride this year. On Tuesday, the drinks giant Guinness put out a spoof press release intended for publication as an April Fool joke. It claimed Greenwich Mean Time was to be renamed Guinness Mean Time in a sponsorship deal. But the FT took the story to be true and printed it in Tuesday's edition.

Chancellor Kohl 'turns vegetarian' The German press were just as gullible. Some papers ran a press release which claimed that Germany's Chancellor Kohl had turned vegetarian in order to woo the youth vote. The statement published by PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) concluded: "The stuffed-pig-stomach lover has finally made the break." 

The Independent printed an "exclusive" that the House of Lords would be abolished in favour of a "people's Lords" made up of ordinary citizens chosen at random in a system reminiscent of jury service.And the Daily Telegraph claimed that fire engines in Scotland would be painted white because they are "expected to be more visible at night". 

April Fools tricks are played the world over. In Australia, where the Olympic Games will be held in 2000, sports minister Andrew Thomson predicted a gold medal for his country - in the new sport of tuna-tossing. And in Japan it was claimed that researchers had developed a machine to find the real meaning in politicians' statements. They said Prime Minister Ryutaro Hashimoto had stopped it being used after it was put to the test on his own remarks.

 Inspirational Quote o' the Week:
 "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and analyst

Liam received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Liam tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Liam put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. Liam was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Liam's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..." Liam was astounded at the bird's change in attitude. The parrot continued, "And may I ask what the chicken did?"