At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with
Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go".

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? Filet minyan

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what
does a mohel carry?    A Bris-kit!

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish  mothers? "Is
ANYTHING all right?"

 Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the  cylinder heads from the
motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael.

DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service
manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? 'Come on
ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the
mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also
open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I
finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big
bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
 

In a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. One year Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. The day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli ... the crowd waited, and waited ... SIX MINUTES!!! "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Screamed the exhausted Israeli: "All right ... who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate? I had to stop and pray!"

Once there was a rabbi and a priest who were flying together. The stewardess asked the rabbi if he would like a drink. The rabbi replied "Yes please, a bourbon and coke". The stewardess delivered the drink to the rabbi and then asked if the priest would like a drink. The priest replied "I am ashamed of you stewardess, don't you know that I am a man of the cloth and cannot participate in drinking or sex?? The rabbi interrupted and said, "wait a minute I didn't know I had a choice !"

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get." "See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth." A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off. "What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left." "What did he say?" "He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
 "Hello?"
 "Hello, is this KGB?"
 "Yes. What do you want?"
 "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
 "This will be noted."
 Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
 "Hello, Yankel!
 Did the KGB come?"
 "Yes."
 "Did they chop your firewood?"
 "Yes, they did."
 "Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are. "Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old." The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years? 

A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand. "How old are you?", asked the District Attorney. "I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one." "What was that?" "I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old." "Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?" "Kayn aynhoreh, eightly-one." the old man replied. The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the question or be held in contempt of court!" The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I ask?"and turned towards the old man, "Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?" The old man replied, "Eighty-one"

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z." The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?" She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news." The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, Mama--you here? "Yes, Papa." "Sammy--you here?" "Yes, Papa." "Isadore--you here?" "Yes, Papa." "Rosalie--you here? "Yes, Papa." "Rachel--you here?" "Yes, Papa." With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"

 A rabbi and priest were driving separate cars and had a collision. Although both cars were totaled, neither driver was injured. They got out and surveyed the scene and remarked on their great good fortune. "Surely a sign from God" said the priest. The rabbi agreed, then noticed in his car an unbroken bottle of Mogen David wine. "And this must be another sign," he said, "we must celebrate this miracle." Whereupon he uncorked the wine and handed it to the priest for a toast to their good fortune. The priest handed it back and the rabbi returned it for yet another celebratory drink. The priest handed the bottle back again and the rabbi replaced the cork and put the bottle away. "Aren't you going to have some?" asked the priest. "No, I think I'll just wait for the police" responded the rabbi.

During a long car ride, Uncle Sol is driving the family crazy with a continuous lament: "OY, am I thirsty! OY, am I thirsty!, OY, am I thirsty!....." At the next rest stop, her son rushes out and brings him a large seltzer water. As he starts the car to continue the ride, the silence is broken by Uncle Sol: "Oy, was I thirsty! OY, was I thirsty, OY, was I thirsty!....."

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children and grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello Grandpa Moishe. Can I do something for you?" "Yes", said Grandpa, "go tell Grandma Sadie that I want some of her chopped liver." Ben went out and told his Grandma, who said , "Go tell Grandpa he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him." Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Grandma I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference". Ben went and told Grandma, who said, "Go tell Grandpa he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva."

 Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp." Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"

 Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the internet?
 A: "Modem anachnu lach..."

 Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
 A: A Bris-kit........

 Elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"

 Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older than 8-days old?
 A: A girl.

 Tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily dispatched to heaven. On their arrival one of the admitting angels wouldn't let them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they would just have to wait. At that moment G-D intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see if they could be temporarily housed in his domain until they could correct the computer error. Sure enough room was found and they all went down to their new temporary quarters. A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells him that he must take the Hadassah woman off his hands.

 "What's the problem?" G-d asks. Satan replies, "These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a
 new air conditioning system."

Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....

G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel. 

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

M: Oh, L-rd forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!

M: Oh, L-rd! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....

G: Moses, do whatever the hell you want.......

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his
astonishment, he turns to the driver: "Listen", he says,"when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in G-d's name, are you stopping at a green light?" The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"

Morris in Brooklyn lived in a big home with his pet dog that he loved for 12 years. His best and only companion. The dog died, and a heart broken Morris went to the Rabbi of his congregation and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature ? "
The Rebbe replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal." Morris said, " So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service ? " The Rebbe replied, " So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ?

A young orthodox couple, about to get married, are consulting with the Rebbe on the question of marital responsibilities and do's and don'ts. As they proceed with the discussion, the questions begin to deal with acceptable positions in which the soon-to-be-newlywed couple may engage in the ultmate expression of their physical desire for each other. Rabbi", asks the young man, "are we allowed to make love in a sitting position?" The Rabbi thinks a bit and replies in the affirmative. "Rabbi" he asks again, "can we make love in the spoon position?" Again the Rabbi thinks a moment and responds in the affirmative. The positions are beginning to become more and more complicated, yet in each case, the Rabbi responds affirmatively. Then, the young man says, "Rabbi, what about in the standing position. Are we allowed to make love standing up?" Without hesitation, the Rabbi says, "Oh no, my children, that is definitely not allowed!". "Why?", asks the young man. Why? Well, because making love standing up COULD lead to ...>dancing!!"

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..." The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"