A man is seated at a restaurant. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table. "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom. He responds, "A quickie." She walks away in disgust. After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?", she asks. Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please," he answers. Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over. He says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up pantystitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter, " he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job, the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'yep, diesel fitter'. "

Lura, the Duchess of Killarney, traveled to Russia with her husband, the Duke. One day, while visiting the Ural Mountains she wandered into the woods for a little sunbathing. Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize how damaging the sun's rays can be at high altitudes — and before long, she was badly sunburned. "Look at me!" she cried to her husband. "And tomorrow, our friends are taking us on a horseback tour of the mountains. What shall I do?" After studying her sunburn, the Duke advised her: "Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."

During World War II, the captured allied spies of Stalag 15 attempted many daring prison breaks. One night, their leaders — Capt. O'Brien and Lt. Flanagan — tunneled through the wall. Suddenly, sirens wailed and floodlights caught them in the act. As the German commandment led them away, O'Brien said, "We were so careful. How did you catch us?" The German replied: "It's quite simple. I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

Are these Steven Wright

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP? Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're a ahead"?! Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Just always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else. I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film. How come you never hear about gruntled employees? How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
What was the best thing before sliced bread? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?