1. From a Southwest Airlines employee..."There may be 50 ways
    to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 

2. Pilot- "Folks we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
    to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
    please stay inside the plane until we land...it's a bit cold outside and if
    you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
    you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
    for a ride." 

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
    a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
    flight attendant on a Northwest flight announces: "Please take care
    when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
    that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest 
    flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into 
    the buckle, and pull it tight. It works just like every other seat belt,
    and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
    out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
    pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
    grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
    traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
    are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
    more." 

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, 
    but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and
    remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest
    Airlines." 

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
    emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your 
    belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
    flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to 
     have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately
     none of them are on this flight..." 

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
      particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the
      Captain was really struggling to land. After an extremely hard landing,
      the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
      gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
      seat belts fastened while the Captain taxi's what's left of our airplane
      to the gate!" 

13. Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 
      "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
      us to the terminal." 

14. An airplane pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
      his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that
      requires the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
      exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."   He said
      in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
      in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
      Finally, everyone had gotten off the plane except a little old lady
      walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" 
      "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" 
      The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
     on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
     Captain Crash and crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
     up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
     warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
     way through the wreckage to the terminal." 

16. Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
      you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane
     urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized tube, we hope
     you'll think of us here at U.S. Airways.