I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. - Carol Leifer

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman

I think - therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several Months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck !!"

"I presume Mrs. Murphy, you carry a fond momento in that locket of yours?" "Indeed I do, sir. It's a lock of my James' hair." "But your husband is still alive." "Yes sir — but his hair is all gone."

In a small cemetery on the outskirts of the city, a man is mourning aloud "Oh why did you die? Why did you die?" over and over again. A woman putting flowers on a nearby grave walks over and asks, "Who died, mister? A close friend of the family?" "No, as a matter of fact I never met him," the man says and begins to wail again, "Oh, why did you die?" "If you never met him, why is his death so painful to you? Who's buried here?" the woman asks. "My wife's first husband."

Sam met his friend Deepak on the street. "Deepak," he said, "I haven't seen you in years. You look terrible — what's happened?" "You won't believe," said Deepak. "I got married three times in the last three years and buried three wives!" "How terrible, Deepak, how tragic," Sam said "What happened?" "Three years ago I married this rich widow, and she died a month later after eating poison mushrooms. A year later, I met this wealthy divorcee, and she died a month after we married, again from eating poison mushrooms. Then last year, I married again, and a month later, she died." "Don't tell me," Sam said. "Poison mushrooms." "No, a fractured skull." said Deepak, "she wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."

Mr. Feldman came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?!?" shouted the irate husband. "See," the wife said to the man lying beside here. "Didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

Mrs. Barnes instructed the artist painting her portrait, "I want you to put a gold bracelet on each wrist, a pearl necklace on my neck, ruby earrings on each ear, and emerald tiara on my head, and, on each finger, a 20-carat diamond ring." The artist was bewildered. "Why do you want to ruin a beautiful painting of yourself with all that stuff?" Mrs. Barnesexplained, "My husband is running around with a young chippie. When I die, I want her to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"

At his annual checkup, Izzy is shocked to learn that he has contracted a deadly virus and has only 12 hours to live. When he gets home, he tell his wife Sarah the sad news. Overcome with grief, she comforts him and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget!" After making love with a passion they haven't felt in years, Izzy says, "Sarah, that was wonderful, marvelous! Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate. Sarah is about to doze off when Izzy nudges her and whispers, "How about another one? Come on, one more time?" "That's easy for you to say," says Sarah, "You don't have to get up in the morning!"

Mrs. Lee, a widow for over four years, sat at the water's edge, bemoaning her lonely life. Next to her sat a gentleman in obvious need of some color. Mrs. Lee asked, "So how come you're so pale?" "I've been in jail for 28 years," he replied. "Twenty-eight years! For what?" she persisted. "For killing my third wife," he explained. "I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight, and I pushed her off a building." After taking a few minutes to absorb the information, Mrs. Lee leaned closer to the man and whispered, "So, that means you're now a single man?"

Sheldon tells his best friend, "Every girl I bring home, my mother doesn't like. I just can't seem to please her." His friend replies, "Keep looking until you find a girl who looks just like your mother. Then she can't find fault with her." Three months later, Sheldon meets his friend and says, "I did what you said. I finally found a girl just like my mother - same height, same hair, same personality. She was exactly like my mother." "So, what happened?" "My father hated her."

Guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours". The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks how long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours". The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". he guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said "to your house"

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."